FRANK ABOUT PARENTING
What a big responsibility we hold in our hands!
Those of you that know me well at all, know that I don't beat around the bush, I'm willing to stand by myself for what I believe in, and I shoot straight when you talk to me about issues. So, I decided that I would start a little something called "FRANK FRIDAY," where I am going to be completely up front and frank with you on my stance on things. In the last few months I've had numerous people ask me questions, or make comments in regards to parenting. The comments range from, "You're so lucky to have such nice, well-behaved kids." (Let me just say that luck has nothing to do with it! It's been a lot of work!), or "Just wait until they are teenagers!" Which, while I'm on the subject...Hello! We just spent 12 years in youth ministry...I think I know what teenagers are like! I also want to state upfront that our stance on teenagers looks nothing like our cultures! Someday I will address this issue in depth. Back to the questions I receive about parenting... "what kind of discipline do you use with your kids?" is probably one of the most common ones.
There are so many views and opinions on parenting. I've found that people especially in the mid 40's age group down to the mid 20's have been very much confused by all of the phycology out there, humanism, and their lack of Biblical knowledge. I hear new terms for parenting method's almost daily...."child-centered parenting", "attachment parenting", "permissive parenting", "grace-based parenting", "Parenting in the funnel", etc. Everyone has a theory, and everyone thinks they have the answers. My questions for you you are these.....
1. What is your reason for having children?
and
2. What is the long-term goal of your parenting?
My answer to those questions:
1. For me personally my reason for having children is to raise incredible people who are going to contribute positively to society, but most of all make a major impact on the world for the Kingdom of God.
2. My long-term goal for my parenting is to raise mature, responsible, godly, leaders who are a blessing to all those they are around, and who love the Lord with all of their hearts, souls, minds, and strength.
I definitely don't think that I have all of the answers, and I'm not even claiming to know what in the world I am doing! However, nor do I think that anybody else, humanly speaking,
has all of the answers either! My advice is to measure all of your beliefs by God's word and what He has said regarding parenting.
So, back to my parenting!
Q: What forms of discipline do I use with my children?
A: First I will say that I really believe that with proper training, discipline is kept to a minimal! We are all born with the ugly sin nature, that shows it's ugly head very early in our existence on this earth. Right from the beginning we think the world revolves around us, and we are willing to step on whoever gets in our way, to get what we want! I begin the training process very early with my kids, and most typical parenting issues I don't really even have to deal with later. (temper tantrums, sassing, etc.) My kids know that throwing a tantrum is completely useless, because it has never ever worked for them. It starts when they are throwing a hissy fit over having their diaper changed. I give their little thigh a very slight flick, and say "lay still." After a couple times of doing this, they realize 1+1=2. "I throw a fit+ I always get the same result=I'm not throwing a fit anymore! The same goes for coming when your called, first time obedience, sitting still, staying in your bed, etc. I believe that with diligence, consistency, and training these issues are short lived and not really even issues by the age of three. If your child doesn't understand who is in charge by age 3, it is going to be a constant power struggle from there on out! My oldest two kids are 8 1/2 and 6 and I only have to spank them maybe once a month, if even that, because they have been trained.
I just finished teaching the 3 and 4 year olds Sunday School class at church. I did it every single week for 8 months. I started with about 7 kids, and because our church is growing so fast, I had 16 kids at a time by the end of my 8 months. I would like to add too, that 95 % of the Sunday's I was in there by myself, because nobody wanted to work with this age group. Wow! It sure was educational! Only a few of those kids have any clue that they aren't the center of the world, and they are not the ones in charge! It all begins at home! When your child is left with an adult, they should understand that they are to obey the adult's authority. A mother I know recently was telling me about how she just lets her kids scream and throw fits, and she ignores it, and eventually the behavior becomes "extinct" because the child doesn't get what they want. Really? Are you serious? So, what happens when the poor Sunday School teacher ends up with 5 screaming fit throwers? It interrupts and upsets the whole class, nothing gets accomplished, and the teacher dreads each Sunday! (trust me, I know from experience!) Or when you are in a store and your kid decides to have at it? If the manipulation and outright rebellion had been dealt with at home, it wouldn't even be an issue! So, A. I start with training at home when they are babies!!!
B. For outright acts of rebellion I do spank. Why? I know from lots and lots of personal experience that rebellion always hurts! I am a rebel at heart that has learned to submit to God's authority because of all of the painful consequences I have experienced. When you train a child that rebellion and manipulation always have painful consequences, their brains start associating the behavior with the pain. If they don't learn to obey and respect human authority, how will they ever obey and respect God's authority and submit to Him? I don't want my kids to fail in their relationship with God, in their marriages, or in their relationships with others because they are manipulators and haven't learned to submit to authority. I will have failed completely as a parent!
Let me state here that I always check my own attitude before spanking and make sure that it is not out of anger, but out of love for my child. I never have left bruises or marks either. My idea of spanking is a couple of swats on the upper thigh that sting enough to leave a lasting mental impression that "maybe that wasn't a good idea, and I don't want to do that again!" In a young child that you are training to not touch something or to not hit, it may just be a thump on the hand. It is very mildly painful, but they do associate the consequence with the action, and they learn not do it. My parents always had this sign on the refrigerator that said, "Life is choices. Choices have consequences. Make wise choices!" The goal of spanking is to help your child make wise choices regarding their behavior in the future! I can just hear it now, "I could never 'hit' my child!" Don't argue your point with me....argue it with God. Spanking was His idea! (Proverbs 13:24, Proverbs 22:15, and Proverbs 29:15) I really don't see how you can argue this point if you have any knowledge of Scripture at all!
C. For behavior that is just a result of childhood immaturity, foolishness, selfishness, or thoughtlessness I try to make the punishment or consequences fit the circumstances. I want them to learn from the experience, but if it isn't deliberate acts of rebellion than I don't think that it calls for spanking. Some examples of how this comes into play?
-My oldest daughter discovered the art of rolling her eyes at me while at a friends house. I think she just thought it looked cool or something, but I didn't share the same sentiment! So, after discussing the rudeness and disrespect of it, she did it again! I figured that if it was so much fun for her, then an appropriate consequence would be to sit on the couch with a mirror and roll her eyes for 10 minutes. She saw how ridiculous it looked, and she hasn't done it since! That was about 6 months ago.
-When my kids are fighting and quarreling, I make them hold hands and work on a project together. (Such as raking the leaves, unloading the dishwasher, emptying the garbages, etc.) They see how teamwork and communication is so much more fun and productive, and usually they are giggling the whole time because of how awkward it is to do things when you only have one hand each!
-If one kid is just mean and spiteful to the other, I have that child do an act of service to honor the other person. (Such as doing one of the other child's chores, sorting the other child's laundry..including underwear...etc.)
-If there is stomping up the stairs or door slamming because the child is upset or angry, I have them walk up and down the stairs 30 times quietly or open and shut the door quietly 30 times. It helps them remember not to do it again, and by the end of the punishment they don't even remember what they were upset about!
-If a child is being destructive and careless with our personal property, I have them do something constructive to show good stewardship of our property. (pick up sticks in the yard, sweep the sidewalk, clean out the car, wash the windows, etc.)
I base this form of discipline on Ephesians 4: 22-32 "...Putting off the former way of life , which is being corrupted by deceitful desires, ....and put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."(vs 22 + 24) It is a good idea to help your children to learn right from and early age that when they stop a bad behavior, it is important to replace it with something positive and God-honoring.
You get the idea...again, this is all under the category of training. It is our job as parents. It takes creativity to come up with appropriate consequences, and discernment to be able to see the actions for what they really are. Hopefully this answers your questions regarding how I discipline my children. I always try to keep in mind the end result. How can I help shape my child to be a mature, responsible, godly, leader that is a blessing for all to be around?
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I love your common sense approach to parenting! It is so refreshing to hear someone that is willing to be bold and be honest! I am a first grade public school teacher, and have been so frustrated the last few years with the behavior of the kids. They are not being trained or disciplined at home, and then their parent's send them to school for someone else to tolerate them. Thanks for saying it like it is!
Sheryl in N.Y.C.
Julie, you're such an encouragement! I praise God for you.
Love,
Deb
Hope your pregnancy is ending as well as can be given your circumstances. Praying for endurance for you!
Great post!
I love the idea of holding hands while doing a task-especially when they've been at each other. From the get-go I have told my kids, "your brother is a blessing from the Lord in your life, and you're to treat him as a blessing", and likewise to my son about his sister. During prayer at night, I always thank the Lord for their sibling and the blessing they are in each other's lives. Thanks for the encouraging post, and as a Mom, you're in our prayers. Blessings to you and yours.
Thanks for the tips Julie, I love how you gave lots of practical examples. I agree with you wholeheartedly on working to train the kiddos at home! We are struggling here with some issues in our oldest, so I appreciate any further tips you want to provide. :) Glad you are back in business again (so to speak) in regards to your health and feeling more with it too!
Blessings,
Heather
Great post- I love the last examples you gave about siblings and stewardship.