So.....why the silence on my part?  Rarely ever, actually I can't even think of one other time in my life, when I have been left speechless.  Have you ever just hit that spot in life when everything, yes EVERYTHING, that is familiar and "normal" in your world no longer makes sense?  That point when you reevaluate everything you are doing, and everything you've already done?  Maybe it was my own personal mid-life crisis or something, but I hit that spot in my life last year in May at my 35th birthday, and it left me speechless.  Many times sat down and tried to blog, but nothing came out.  I was void of words, thoughts, or feelings.

     I think several things contributed to this fun little time in my life.  I was dealing with undiagnosed postpartum depression from the birth of my daughter Maggie in 2009.  I also had an undiagnosed thyroid condition, Hypothyroidism.  My thyroid numbers were actually REALLY messed up.....another fun after effect of my last pregnancy.  Between the two of these health issues I was discouraged as a parent, as a homeschooling mom, as a wife, and as a member of the human race in general.  Thankfully, God had me ask my Doctor the right questions, and we were able to diagnose and treat these two conditions. 

      In the meanwhile though, satan used this opportunity in my life to deceive and blind me to the truth of God's love and plan for my life.  Every area of my life and every relationship in my life was confusing and exhausting.  I now see God's hand holding my through that time in my life, and carrying me through it.  I see how God put me in the right path of the people that could help me.  I finally went to Christian Counseling and worked through unresolved issues from my childhood that have directly effected my life as an adult.  My husband graciously agreed to go to counseling as well and work on our ministry hurts, and our marriage problems.  We finally are experiencing the joy of working together as a team, of truly having a wonderful relationship, of seeing peace and love in our home, and actually loving ministry.  It is amazing how the things we are too proud to deal with, too embarrassed to deal with, or too scared of to deal with really hinder you from living life to it's fullest.  

     It has not been an easy journey to say the least.  It hurts to deal with ourselves, and to face those secret thoughts and hurts.  It isn't easy when you have to establish boundaries with people and re- evaluate all of your relationships.  It isn't easy, at least for me, to recognize that NO....I do not have it all together.  I've never been good at letting other's see me as vulnerable.  Yet, I had to find childcare for all of my children for those days of counseling.  I HAD to tell a select few what was going on, and accept their help and love, so that I could keep pursuing my path to wholeness.  

     So, I tell you all this, just to say.......I am flawed and imperfect.  I have many imperfections, and areas I am working on.  If you are reading this, and relate to some...or all...of what I am talking about, I encourage you to take that time for YOU.  Take the time to pursue wholeness, healing, and health.  It is so worth it to experience the freedom from carrying that junk around, the self doubt, and the hurt it causes your relationships.  It's okay to admit you don't have it all together.  It's okay to be vulnerable and ask for help.  

     I went to counseling every other week for 9 months.  Last week I went to my scheduled appointment, and my counselor basically told me, she thinks I'm ready to fly now and don't need her anymore.  I agree with her.  I am still working through learned behavior and thought patterns that I established as a cover up and self defense mechanisms, but I'm doing it...and that is what is important.  

     I am apprehensively excited about what the future holds.  I know it is going to make me a better mom, a better wife, friend, neighbor, pastor's wife, aunt, daughter, etc.  I pray that my experiences and my journey can bring glory to God.  God doesn't waste our hurts or our tears.  It matters to Him, and He can use it!

On a MUCH lighter note:  We are expecting our fifth baby in early November!  This baby was completely unplanned and unexpected, but is completely wanted and loved!  Their are many excited children in this house that are eagerly anticipating the ultrasound in June to tell us if this is a boy or a girl!