It was just another ordinary day. I was tending to my life, and minding my own business. Several months had gone by since I had last experienced a bout of grueling relationship drama. This continuous saga of relational craziness has continually resurfaced with a particular individual for a long, long time. This continuos conflict is one of those ugly monster's that is never resolved, it's just shoved into a hiding spot. I can always count on it to come out of hiding every so often, and that day it did. I got wind of some slander and underhanded behavior directed at me, and it felt just like I was sucker punched in the stomach. It never gets easier, and I never know when to expect it. All of these months of dormant activity in this relationship, I had made it a point not to do anything to aggravate the other person and bring up more conflict. I tried to mind my own business, heap coals of kindness on them, not respond to some hurtful and untrue things that had been said during the last round, be friendly, be forgiving, and extend grace. I tip toed around the relationship trying not to awake the ugly conflict beast. To no avail. There it was again.
What triggered it? Good question. I didn't treat this person any differently than I treat all of the other people in my life that like me. Whatever it was, it was not done out of spite, maliciousness, or ill will. I fretted about it most of the day, and then decided I should just confront the issue. So, I called them, in hopes to have an adult conversation and talk things through. Same story, same station. The other party had no desire to do anything but talk down to me, and lecture. As we were talking, it's like a light bulb went on in my head. I am actually NOT the problem here. This individual has always targeted me for all of their social, relational, and spiritual problems. I have just happened to always be a convenient target for them. I've done what I can, and now I'm just waisting my breath, my time, and my energy on it. It's just time to walk away and let it go.
Yes, it was a difficult moment and it's a hard thought to grasp, but it's the plain truth staring me right in the face. This reality was prompted by many years of researching this topic, scouring God's Word, seeking wise counsel, and hours and hours of prayer.
Maybe you don't relate to this particular situation, but I know for sure that conflict is a universal problem. Neighbors, fellow church attenders, fellow employee's, siblings, your in-laws, parents, your boss, your roommate, etc. Everyone has at least one of these relationships in their life. Hopefully this helps you in some little way as you navigate these people and conflicts in your life. The following article was written by Mary J. Yerkes. She is a writer, speaker, and contributor to Focus on the Families online articles, from where I originally read the following.
“Wouldn’t it be great if people came with warning signs? ‘Danger: Toxic Person.’ ‘Warning: Destructive Conflict Ahead.’”
What triggered it? Good question. I didn't treat this person any differently than I treat all of the other people in my life that like me. Whatever it was, it was not done out of spite, maliciousness, or ill will. I fretted about it most of the day, and then decided I should just confront the issue. So, I called them, in hopes to have an adult conversation and talk things through. Same story, same station. The other party had no desire to do anything but talk down to me, and lecture. As we were talking, it's like a light bulb went on in my head. I am actually NOT the problem here. This individual has always targeted me for all of their social, relational, and spiritual problems. I have just happened to always be a convenient target for them. I've done what I can, and now I'm just waisting my breath, my time, and my energy on it. It's just time to walk away and let it go.
And that was that moment
of looking reality in the face,
and realizing that this relationship
might not ever change on this side of eternity.
That moment
of peace with that reality,
when I let go of it.
That moment
of freedom,
when a HUGE weight was taken off of my shoulders.
Yeah....THAT moment.
Yes, it was a difficult moment and it's a hard thought to grasp, but it's the plain truth staring me right in the face. This reality was prompted by many years of researching this topic, scouring God's Word, seeking wise counsel, and hours and hours of prayer.
Maybe you don't relate to this particular situation, but I know for sure that conflict is a universal problem. Neighbors, fellow church attenders, fellow employee's, siblings, your in-laws, parents, your boss, your roommate, etc. Everyone has at least one of these relationships in their life. Hopefully this helps you in some little way as you navigate these people and conflicts in your life. The following article was written by Mary J. Yerkes. She is a writer, speaker, and contributor to Focus on the Families online articles, from where I originally read the following.
“Wouldn’t it be great if people came with warning signs? ‘Danger: Toxic Person.’ ‘Warning: Destructive Conflict Ahead.’”
In a sense, they do. Destructive conflict flows from unhealthy people and relationships. Where there is destructive conflict, you will often find a pattern of cruelty, neglect, deception, control, indifference and even abuse in the relationship. What differentiates destructive conflict from healthy disagreement is that it involves a pattern of unhealthy communication. Destructive conflict flows from individuals who consistently fail to admit their weakness, lie, rationalize, deny, apologize instead of changing their behavior, blame others instead of “owning” their part of the problem and who are defensive instead of open to feedback. Similar to ingesting poison, a steady diet of destructive conflict can kill you—emotionally, spiritually and even physically.
How to Deal with Destructive Conflict
Leslie Vernick, licensed clinical social worker and author of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It, works with individuals that are dealing with conflict. She identifies three steps, based on Matthew 18:15-17, we should take when dealing with destructive conflict:
Speak up. "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you” (Matt. 18:15 NIV). “God calls us to be peacemakers, not peacekeepers,” points out Vernick. She says pursuing peace might mean risking conflict in order to bring about a genuine peace (Ps. 34:14; Heb. 12:14 NIV). Speaking up is very different from venting, which can have negative consequences. We should speak the truth to someone in love after we have spent time praying and preparing for our time together. Approach that person in gentleness and with humility (Gal. 6:1 NIV).
Stand up. “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses” (Matt. 18:16 NIV). God calls us to stand against sin, evil, deception, abuse and wickedness. When others are blind to their sin, God calls us to enlist the help of others. With a supportive person or church by your side, say, “I will not continue to live in fear,” “be lied to” or “be degraded.”
Step back. “If he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector (Matt. 18:17 NIV),” says Jesus. In Biblical culture, Jews did not have close, personal relationships with pagans and tax collectors. Vernick says when someone refuses to respond to our concerns, the relationship changes. “You cannot have fellowship with someone who refuses to respect your feelings, doesn’t care about you, won’t respect you and who isn’t honest.” When we step back from the relationship, it helps minimize the damage and gives the other person time to reflect on his behavior and the relationship. It sends a message that a pattern of sinful, destructive behaviors is unacceptable to us and to God.
She points out that even when we find it necessary to step back from a situation, God calls us to love. The apostle Paul says, “We bless those who curse us. We are patient with those who abuse us” (1 Cor. 4:12 NIV). And in Romans 13:10, “Love does no harm (NIV).”
As we learn to identify destructive conflict and apply God’s Word to our situations, we can minimize its damage in our lives. What’s more, we move from victim to victor, honoring God in even the most difficult of circumstances.
Copyright 2008 Mary J. Yerkes.
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