I mentioned in an earlier post, that a few years ago, I interviewed 39 people. The group I targeted had to be Pastor's kids, not deacons kids, missionary's kids, etc. In some small ways, deacon's and missionary's kids may have some similar public performance expectations and stress due to their parental positions, but the positions and circumstances are completely different. The target group also had to be children of parents who were in pastoral ministry here in the United States. The church of America is a totally different story than churches in other countries, thus that specific criteria. Lastly, I wanted to only interview Pastor's kids who were over 18. Why? Because I didn't want to draw attention to the reality that there are unique challenges, stresses, opportunities, etc. in the role of a P.K., to children that might not be mature enough to accurately look at and deal with them. Of those I interviewed the youngest was 18, and the oldest was 45 years old. Twenty two of the interviewees were female, and 17 were male. The following blog is straight from these surveys. An inside look into the hearts, minds, and lives of PK's.
1.. What advantages did you have due to being a Pastor's kid?
-"I learned how to minister to people by being empathetic and caring. My parents also had lots of church members and missionaries over to our home. I was exposed to different nationalities, personalities, economic status', and well just plain weird people. My parents showed us how to be hospitable to everyone."
-"I was raised in a very committed Christian home, and had every opportunity you can think of to learn about God."
-"The church people were like family to me. My relatives all lived far away, so I barely knew them. Various people in the church were that family support in place of my relatives."
-"Lived a life of ministering to others which has prepared me for full-time ministry as an adult."
-"We got discounts off of summer camps and Christian schools."
-"My parents couldn't afford braces for my brother and I, but we needed them very badly. My dad had been doing a Bible study with a Orthodontist, and he knew of our situation. He gave us half off of our Orthodontia care. Also, there was a Chiropractor that attended our church, and he gave us free Chiropractic care because my dad was the pastor."
-"I actually learned a lot of leadership skills from my upbringing, and how to deal with people. I think as a P.K. I saw and heard of just about every messed up and weird situation there is out there. Now as an adult in leadership, nothing really phases me because I've seen it all before."
2. What disadvantages did you have due to being a Pastor's kid?
-"We lived life in the fish bowl. Everybody was watching you, and they always held the Pastor's family to different standards than the church members held themselves to. "
-"We often got my parents leftover time and energy, which was next to nothing. When you are 'on duty' twenty four hours a day fixing everyone else's problems, you don't have the time or energy to focus on your own family."
-"Church members felt they had the right to say anything to me! People actually said these things to me: 'Wow! You've gained some weight!' and 'Are you ever going to bring a boy around here?' Things that I was already sensitive and self-conscience about, they thought they could publicly say whatever to me."
-"People love to believe the worst about the Pastor's kid. Several times while growing up, I was accused of saying or doing things that other kids had done. The parents would actually go around trying to gain a little 'posse' of people to support them in their accusations against me, just so their kids wouldn't get in trouble. They would always throw in the comments like '....and especially the Pastor's kid!' in their meanest possible voice."
-"I think for me, it was knowing what a sacrifice it was for our family to be in ministry....financially we barely could live off of what dad was making. We sacrificed having time with my dad....he was always busy with church work. If he was home he was reading or studying for church related things. People called us all hours of the day, even on days off or on vacations. There was never a time when my dad was 'off duty.' So, he sacrificed like that and then people would beat him up with their words and actions with absolutely no second thought on their part. It was always over not getting their own way, or what color of carpet the church had, or what kind of music we should sing in church....totally trivial things. They were so focused on their agenda that they couldn't see that we, the Pastor's family, are human and have feelings too."
-"Living in the 'fish bowl', every eye was on the Pastor's family...in every part of our lives, which sometimes caused me to put on a 'front' that was not the real me."
-"Heavy expectations from the congregation and others to always be a good example."
-"Having to be at church all the time. We were always the first ones there, and the last ones to leave. I remember as a kid being SO tired and hungry after church, but we would have to stay another hour to lock up...I hated that! Even when we were sick we would have to go to church and sleep in my dad's office because both parents had duties that they couldn't miss."
-Being known by everyone. Sometimes I just wanted anonymity with people, and not have everyone's expectations on me."
-"I felt that other kids and their parents were looking to see how and when I would mess up. Like they were just dying to see me fall, so they could feel better about themselves."
-"When non-churched people found out I was a P.K. they treated me differently and didn't want to get too close to me. They thought that my dad was going to send them to hell or something."
-"We knew too much about people in the church and their problems, and all about the churches problems. It kind of warped our view of people, Christians, God, and the church."
-"The days I was off of school (Sat. and Sun.) where the days my dad had to really focus on preparing for his sermon, making sure everything was set for the service, and ministry. We didn't get to spend much time with him."
-"Family vacations were always messed up because someone in the church would die while we were gone and we would have to rush home and cut our vacation short so dad could do the funeral."
-"Being asked to do so many things, and not feeling like I had a choice to do it or not because I was the Pastor's daughter. (Babysitting for free for Bible studies, cleaning the church, playing piano, etc.) Like somehow it was a 'buy 1, get 4 free' type of deal...pay my dad, get his wife and three kids for free labor."
-"Had to witness things that no kid should have to witness. People would just come up to my dad or mom and lay into them about something right in front of us kids. I remember several very threatening and scary confrontations from a couple of very regular members, a deacon, my Sunday School teacher, etc. Then as a kid, you have to try to process that and still be nice to them. I wasn't good at that part....it made me angry and scared of them too."
3. Ministry is often described as "living in a fishbowl." ( referring to how public every aspect of a Pastor's family is) How did that pressure affect you as you were growing up?
-"I learned to play the game. I did, said, and acted whatever way I was expected to with whatever group of people I was with. I didn't let people get close to me so they wouldn't be disappointed or have room to criticize."
-"I felt tremendous pressure. My dad always told us that if we (his kids) ever messed up he would lose his job, and God's name would be dragged through the dirt. We were not obediant for the right reasons."
-"I hated how everyone watched everything I did. I think that it partly contributed to my rebellion as a teenager. It got to the point where I felt like no matter what I did, I couldn't please everyone, and somebody was always vocal about their disproval. I felt like if they were going to criticize anyway, why not just do what I want? I also think that it contributed to me living a double life. Depending on what group of people I was with, and what their expectations of me were...that's how I would be."
-"When I left home to go away to college, I chose the biggest possible church I could find to attend. I just wanted to 'blend in', and was sick my life being so public."
-"I didn't often let people see the real me. I only showed them what I thought they wanted, or what my parents wanted them to see."
-"I played the part on the outside, but I was so angry on the inside and I really rebelled when I got to college."
-"I hated how 'our business' was always everyone else's business. Our church used to publish my dad's salary in the annual report. We used to live in the church parsonage and in the annual report they would publish things like, 'Pastor ______ has requested new carpet for the parsonage.' Then people would openly discuss in the annual meeting, with our whole family sitting there, how they don't make as much as the Pastor, and they don't have new carpeting, so why should the Pastor get a raise or have new carpet? It was so embarrassing and humiliating. It just seemed like people didn't even consider our feelings."
4. Overall, would you say that your experience as a Pastor's kid has effected your life in a positive or a negative way?
-"Positive; I guess ministry became part of my fabric as a person. Being a PK created an awareness in me of the joy of serving God and the need for godly leaders in the church."
-"All in all...I'd say positive because I've seen my parents humbly walk the walk, and talk the talk...they've modeled for us how to love your 'enemies' and how to see people through Jesus' eyes."
-"I feel that growing up in a Pastor's family has made me a different and better doctor. I look at things and patients of mine through 'ministry' glasses. Each person is loved by God and deserves my time and effort."
-"Both negatively and positively. Negative because we moved around a lot, and because I don't think I have ever gotten to the point where I feel like I can be real and authentic with people because of having been raised that way. Positively because I have seen God in a different light than most...how He works, supplies, and changes people."
5. Do you have any ministry related, funny or embarrassing stories about things you or your siblings did or said while growing up in a Pastor's family?
-"When I was about 4 years old, my dad was candidating at church for the Sr. Pastor position. My parents me and my siblings the whole lecture about 'being on our best behavior.' During the service the kids in this church all stayed in with their parents, so there were no child-care options for myself and my brothers. We all had to sit in the very front row. Now my mom had been asked to provide special music during the offering, so during the prayer beforehand, she quietly went up to the piano to prepare to play. My dad was sitting up on the stage, which left us kids....unattended. My parents had made us all dress up to the hilt that Sunday, and the little suit and tie that had made me wear was so uncomfortable, and it was a warm June day. During the prayer before the offering, it dawned on me how hot and uncomfortable I really was, and I decided to remedy the situation. Imagine the shock and horror on my parents faces when they opened their eyes, and saw me sitting there, in the front row of the church in just my underwear! For some reason, we did not end up getting that particular church."
-"When I was a young boy, our dog came into "heat." I had heard my parents talking about it, but didn't understand what they were talking about. One Sunday, a few weeks later, our family was invited over to someone's house after church for lunch. The host of the lunch mentioned that she was really hot, and opened some windows. I then proceeded to blurt out, 'You must be in heat!' Obviously, I embarrassed my parents to death over that one!"
-"When I was about three years old, I had a Sunday School teacher, Mrs. Lehn, that could be a little grumpy and didn't always see things my way. Apparently, we had a little clash of wills one Sunday morning. When we went back to church that evening, I saw Mrs. Lehn walk in the door of the church. I tend to be known for my blunt honesty, even at that age. I decided right then and there that Mrs. Lehn should really know how I felt about her. I marched right up to her and said, 'I don't like you!' The reactions from my mother and Mrs. Lehn were just priceless! My mom took me immediately to my dad's office, where I received a 'reminder' to never do that again."
-"I was about 2 or 3 years old, when one of my children's church teachers was telling us the story of Moses. It was the part of the story where he disobeyed God and struck the rock with his staff. My teacher then was trying to explain how Moses was the leader of the people, kind of like a Pastor, and how his bad decision had bad consequences for all of the people of Israel. I raised my hand and said, 'Oh, Aunt Jill, my dad would never do that!' She still reminds me of that to this day!"
-"When I was about 8 years old I was running in the hall at church. Three little old ladies were standing in the hall, and one of them (Mrs. Lehn) told me to quit running in church. I stopped abruptly, turned to her with my hands on my hips and said, 'I can run if I want to! My dad owns this place!' Once again, that didn't go over very well."
-"When my dad did funerals, my mom and us kids usually would go along with him. When I was 3, one particular funeral was for an older women who had died, leaving her husband behind. My parents explained to me that this man was very sad because his wife had died, and that we needed to be kind to him. At one point during the funeral, I saw the little old man sitting all by himself and crying. I decided to see if I couldn't help cheer him up a little. I went
and sat down by him and asked him what was wrong. He told me that he was just sad because his wife had died. I then decided to offer these words of empathy, 'I know just how you feel. My goldfish died, and we had to flush him down the toilet.' My mother overheard this conversation, and wanted to just die of embarrassment."
Okay, and now I will confess, that the last four of these embarrassing moments where from me. I've always had a real knack for "being a real blessing" to others, and putting my foot in my mouth! I just thought I would bless you with a good laugh at my expense!
6. What can you do to encourage the Pastor's kids in your life? Below are some practical examples of ways people have encouraged the PK's I surveyed.
-"A lady in our church that did the church finances, knew how much my dad made, and that we couldn't afford new clothes or any extra's. She took me shopping every year right before Easter and bought me a brand new Easter dress and shoes. This was a BIG deal for me, because that was the only time I ever got anything new!"
-"A middle aged couple that didn't have any children or grandkids of their own, 'adopted' us as their grandkids. They would always remember our birthdays with a card and a gift certificate to McDonald's. They knew that was our favorite place to eat."
Other ideas:
1. Don't hold the PK's to a different standard than the other kids in your church. Proverbs 22:15a says, "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child..." This means ALL kids, even the Pastor's kids! They are going to act like kids do, because that is what they are!
2. If you need to discuss church matters or something about the Pastor that is bothering you, don't do it in front of his kids! They are more perceptive than you think, and it can leave lasting impressions on their young minds!
3. Let them know you love them, you appreciate them, and you are praying for them!
4. Little notes of encouragement or verbal affirmation go a long way with how PK's view their situation.
Some other interesting finds from my survey:
-38 of the 39 Pastor's kids I surveyed are living for the Lord as adults. They are very involved and serving in some capacity in their local churches.
-Only 1 of the 39 people has no relationship with the Lord, and is a professing atheist.
-10 out of the 39 (over 25%!) are in full-time ministry. (para-church, pastoral, or missions)
-7 of the 39 went through a time of major rebellion in high school and college, and went on to choose a personal relationship with the Lord in their adult years.
Now it's your turn! Any good ministry advice, stories, or experiences that you can share with us?
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Thanks, Julie, for posting these...it's nice to hear what others said... I think I even recognized some of the stories from MY siblings...:-)
Thanks for posting this! Great to see other pks didn't have a horrible experience and funny to read some of those stories! Thanks for your research on this subject!
I loved this post! My husband was just set in as our Associate Pastor, and will some day down the road be our head Pastor. It's exciting, but thinking of our family life is always at the forfront of my concerns -- so this was very helpful :)
WOW! I am embarrassed to say that unfortunately, I have never stopped to really think about the extra challenges and pressure a PK has on them! It's great to hear first hand about their experiences, both good and bad! Thanks for sharing this!
Kit