Several years ago, I asked a very wise man, who was the father of seven wonderful, responsible, and godly children, what he thought the secret to raising good kids was.  His response will forever be engrained into my head.  He said, "whatever you expect from your kids, is exactly what you are going to get.  If you expect them to be naughty, selfish, and irresponsible you will not be disappointed, because that is how they will be.  Likewise, if you expect them to be obedient, respectful, and responsible you will not be disappointed either, because that will be their outcome."  

If there is one thing that bothers me about other people's parenting skills, it would be the labels that they put on their kids.  Every time I hear them do it, I cringe, like I just heard fingernails on a chalkboard.  My heart hurts for the kids, and for the parents.  The parents are stating out loud, and usually right in front of the kids, exactly what their expectations are for the kids, and they are putting them in this box with a big label on it.  Some of the frequent labels I hear are:  (all of these were said right in front of the child they were talking about)

1.  He has ADD and can't concentrate 

2. He has a hard time behaving himself because he has ADHD

3.  She is so stubborn

4.  She is a drama queen

5.  She is so rebellious

6.  "This is my son, ____.  He is our problem child."

7.  "This is my daughter, ______.  She is going to give us a run for our money."

8.  "This is my daughter, ______.  She is our princess."

9.  She is really shy, and doesn't do well in social situations.

10.  He doesn't handle change well. 

First of all, when someone is introduced to you with a label associated with their name, isn't that how you classify them?  You just expect that person to act the way they were labeled when they were introduced to you.  How would the parent feel if the child introduced their parent with a label?  "This is my mom, ______.  She is a gossip."  "This is my dad, _____.  He is an angry, mean person."  Do you really want to be known by the thing that you struggle with the most, or the qualities that are most embarrassing to you?

Secondly, you as the parent and guide have just told this child, and the person you were talking to what you expect from your own child.  You expect the child to be stubborn, rebellious, strong willed, dramatic, and to do poorly in school.  If you have basically stated that they are incapable of being anything else, then why would they try?  Labels put limitations on your kids.  If a kid hears they can't concentrate and do well in school, or they are shy and don't do well in social situations, then they are not going to look at those challenges in their lives and think they can conquer them.  You, the parent, just told them they can't.    

Thirdly, if you are going to label them, pick something nice!  For example, with my kids I have tried to look at their individual characteristics, and pick the one positive thing that stands out above everything else.  When people ask me to tell them about my kids, that is what I tell them.  My children have plenty of faults, like anybody else, but I want others to see them in a positive light, and I want my kids to be confident and free to develop into who they can be.  With my daughter, the thing that makes her special is she is like a ray of sunshine.  She makes you feel good for having been around her, and she brings warmth and happiness to everyone she comes across.  So, I call Molly my little ray of sunshine. Luke, my second child, is extremely creative, imaginative, and smart.  He is way beyond his years with the stuff he comes up with.  So, I call him my creative genius.  I call my third child, Joseph, my little fountain of love.  He is so loving, affectionate, and empathetic.  If there is another child upset in the store or in the nursery, he will sympathy cry for them, and give them lots of hugs and kisses.  He is always loving on people, and trying to make people happy.  These are all qualities in my children that I want to encourage, and want them to feel special because they possess them!  I admit I have made the mistake of negatively labeling my kids a few times in the past, and I could see on their faces the confusion, disappointment, and embarrassment.  There are so many positive qualities in every single person.  Why don't we naturally gravitate towards those?