What's next?- Part 3 of Conflict series
Jewels
     “The best-laid plans of 
mice and men often go awry,” 
says John Steinbeck in his classic novel, Of Mice and Men. 
That line seems particularly fitting when applied to the topic of conflict resolution. Despite diligent prayer, careful planning and a humble spirit, attempts at conflict resolution rarely go as planned. What happens if we are unable to reach an agreement?
What’s next?





1. Take One or Two Others Along (Matthew 18:16 NIV)



This third party person would typically be a neutral person that either has something to loose in both sides of the relationship due to emotional ties to both (like a mutual friend), or a neutral party that isn't tied to either party.  (a counselor, a pastor, an elder, etc.)  Remember, this isn't about wanting the mediator(s) to choose sides, it's about finding a resolution to the conflict.


But what if bringing in a third party to help resolve the conflict doesn’t work?

Consider a professional mediator.
We all carry baggage from our past that affects our relationships in the present. When unresolved heart issues result in the toxicity spilling over into the relationship through such destructive and manipulative behavior as verbal and emotional abuse, compulsive lying, denial, control and addictions, seek outside, professional help. If you’re unable to locate a professional mediator or conciliator in your area, talk with a Christian counselor who could guide you through the process of reconciliation and restoration.


2. Treat Him as a Pagan or Tax Collector (Matthew 18:17 NIV)


There are times when no matter how willing we are to resolve conflict, talk things out, and work on a relationship, the other person just isn't at that same spot with us.  No matter how hard we try, and how much it hurts us to be in conflict with somebody, resolution to the problem is not going to happen unless both parties are willing to give 100 percent.  

When bringing in a third party fails to help, God’s Word calls us to 
“tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, 
treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector (Matt. 18:17 NIV)."  

So now we look at the question : How where pagan's and tax collector's treated?   In Biblical times, the tax collector was considered by the Jews to be a traitor and quite probably a thief.  The Jews had nothing to do with them, and cut them off completely from all social and religious affiliations.  If we were to follow this pattern of treatment as the verse suggests, doesn't it seem like that would just stir the pot of conflict, and add fuel to the fire?  It very important that we not look at other humans reactions and choices, but instead look to the example Jesus Himself set for us.  How did Jesus treat the pagan's and tax collectors?  The answer is simple.....with grace and compassion.  The same way He treats all of us! 
"As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. 'Follow me,' he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.  While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and 'sinners' came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, 'Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and "sinners"?' On hearing this, Jesus said, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners'" (Matthew 9:9-13). 
Jesus treated the tax collectors and pagan's with grace.  He called them to repentance.  He didn't in any way excuse their behavior or tolerate it.  He didn't have close intimate relationships with them.  But, He did continually reach out to them in compassion, grace, and forgiveness.  


When we face difficult situations that fail to produce positive results in one-on-one confrontation and discussion, God gives us clear principles and examples that we can apply to the situation. Even if those involved in the conflict fail to respond, we can rest in the knowledge that we have pleased and honored God by obeying his Word.
“Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain” (1 Cor. 15:58 NIV).

-The credit for some of these ideas goes to Mary J. Yerkes, (writer, speaker, and contributor to Focus on the Families online articles) and Ken Sande, president of Peacemaker Ministries and author of The Peace Maker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict.)

I know in a very deep way how hard this concept is to accept and put into practice.  I know that it is one of the hardest things you will ever do....to extend mercy and compassion to the individual that has caused you such deep pain, and lasting scars.  I also know, that I would rather be the one doing the right thing, and in fellowship with my Lord than to wallow in the anxiety, anger, self-pity, and hurt caused by a sinful human being.  While the fellowship and harmony among human relationships is very important, I would rather have fellowship and harmony with God. I want to rest in the fact that He has a plan, and He knows what He is doing. 
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The UGLY Beast- part 2 of conflict series
Jewels
       It was just another ordinary day.  I was tending to my life, and minding my own business.  Several months had gone by since I had last experienced a bout of grueling relationship drama.  This continuous saga of relational craziness has continually resurfaced with a particular individual for a long, long time.  This continuos conflict is one of those ugly monster's that is never resolved, it's just shoved into a hiding spot.  I can always count on it to come out of hiding every so often, and that day it did.  I got wind of some slander and underhanded behavior directed at me, and it felt just like I was sucker punched in the stomach.  It never gets easier, and I never know when to expect it.  All of these months of dormant activity in this relationship, I had made it a point not to do anything to aggravate the other person and bring up more conflict.  I tried to mind my own business, heap coals of kindness on them, not respond to some hurtful and untrue things that had been said during the last round, be friendly, be forgiving, and extend grace.  I tip toed around the relationship trying not to awake the ugly conflict beast.  To no avail.  There it was again.




     What triggered it?  Good question.  I didn't treat this person any differently than I treat all of the other people in my life that like me.  Whatever it was, it was not done out of spite, maliciousness, or ill will.  I fretted about it most of the day, and then decided I should just confront the issue.  So, I called them, in hopes to have an adult conversation and talk things through.  Same story, same station.  The other party had no desire to do anything but talk down to me, and lecture.  As we were talking, it's like a light bulb went on in my head. I am actually NOT the problem here.  This individual has always targeted me for all of their social, relational, and spiritual problems.  I have just happened to always be a convenient target for them.   I've done what I can, and now I'm just waisting my breath, my time, and my energy on it. It's just time to walk away and let it go. 


And that was that moment
  of looking reality in the face,
 and realizing that this relationship 
might not ever change on this side of eternity. 

 That moment 
of peace with that reality,
 when I let go of it. 

That moment 
of freedom,
  when a HUGE weight was taken off of my shoulders.

Yeah....THAT moment.  



       Yes, it was a difficult moment and it's a hard thought to grasp, but it's the plain truth staring me right in the face.  This reality was prompted by many years of researching this topic, scouring God's Word, seeking wise counsel, and hours and hours of prayer.
       Maybe you don't relate to this particular situation, but I know for sure that conflict is a universal problem.  Neighbors, fellow church attenders, fellow employee's, siblings, your in-laws, parents, your boss, your roommate, etc.  Everyone has at least one of these relationships in their life.  Hopefully this helps you in some little way as you navigate these people and conflicts in your life.  The following article was written by Mary J. Yerkes.  She is a writer, speaker, and contributor to Focus on the Families online articles, from where I originally read the following.  


“Wouldn’t it be great if people came with warning signs? ‘Danger: Toxic Person.’ ‘Warning: Destructive Conflict Ahead.’”
In a sense, they do. Destructive conflict flows from unhealthy people and relationships. Where there is destructive conflict, you will often find a pattern of cruelty, neglect, deception, control, indifference and even abuse in the relationship. What differentiates destructive conflict from healthy disagreement is that it involves a pattern of unhealthy communication. Destructive conflict flows from individuals who consistently fail to admit their weakness, lie, rationalize, deny, apologize instead of changing their behavior, blame others instead of “owning” their part of the problem and who are defensive instead of open to feedback. Similar to ingesting poison, a steady diet of destructive conflict can kill you—emotionally, spiritually and even physically.



How to Deal with Destructive Conflict


Leslie Vernick, licensed clinical social worker and author of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It, works with individuals that are dealing with conflict. She identifies three steps, based on Matthew 18:15-17, we should take when dealing with destructive conflict:

Speak up. "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you” (Matt. 18:15 NIV). “God calls us to be peacemakers, not peacekeepers,” points out Vernick. She says pursuing peace might mean risking conflict in order to bring about a genuine peace (Ps. 34:14; Heb. 12:14 NIV). Speaking up is very different from venting, which can have negative consequences. We should speak the truth to someone in love after we have spent time praying and preparing for our time together. Approach that person in gentleness and with humility (Gal. 6:1 NIV).

Stand up. “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses” (Matt. 18:16 NIV). God calls us to stand against sin, evil, deception, abuse and wickedness. When others are blind to their sin, God calls us to enlist the help of others. With a supportive person or church by your side, say, “I will not continue to live in fear,” “be lied to” or “be degraded.”

Step back. “If he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector (Matt. 18:17 NIV),” says Jesus. In Biblical culture, Jews did not have close, personal relationships with pagans and tax collectors. Vernick says when someone refuses to respond to our concerns, the relationship changes. “You cannot have fellowship with someone who refuses to respect your feelings, doesn’t care about you, won’t respect you and who isn’t honest.” When we step back from the relationship, it helps minimize the damage and gives the other person time to reflect on his behavior and the relationship. It sends a message that a pattern of sinful, destructive behaviors is unacceptable to us and to God.
She points out that even when we find it necessary to step back from a situation, God calls us to love. The apostle Paul says, “We bless those who curse us. We are patient with those who abuse us” (1 Cor. 4:12 NIV). And in Romans 13:10, “Love does no harm (NIV).”
As we learn to identify destructive conflict and apply God’s Word to our situations, we can minimize its damage in our lives. What’s more, we move from victim to victor, honoring God in even the most difficult of circumstances.
Copyright 2008 Mary J. Yerkes. 
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That moment when.........part 1 of conflict series
Jewels
That moment 
of looking reality in the face,
 and you realize that a certain relationship that stresses you out, 
might not ever change on this side of eternity. 

 That moment 
of peace with that reality,
 when you let go of it. 


That moment 
of freedom,
  when a HUGE weight is taken off of your shoulders.


Yeah....THAT moment.  
     I just had one of those recently, and it has been quite the journey in getting to

 that moment.


      If we were all honest, really truly honest, we all have relationships in our life that are at best.....difficult and painful.  I have realized this more and more lately as I have talked with various friends, acquaintances, and neighbors.  We try to hide those relationships....they hurt so bad and we don't want others to take sides, to judge the situation, or to minimize the problem.  We internalize it and figure it must be something wrong with me, because other people don't have these problems.  It adds to the guilt and shame we already carry around, because we aren't able to fix it.....no matter how hard we try.  
      I am generally a pretty easy going, free spirited person.  I can get along with anybody.  If I have a problem with them, I am able to talk it out, and go on with my life and still have a good relationship with that individual.  I don't necessarily feel like in order to have a relationship with someone, they need to agree with me on everything, or I need to agree with them about everything.  I think variety is the spice of life, and I love that my life is filled with a huge variety of people!  I have always been known to walk away from any given situation with a whole list of new friends.  I really can get along with anybody.
     
  That is......all except for 1 person.  

     One person in my life, I just can't for the life of me seem to have a good relationship with.    Sure, we can be civil and friendly towards each other.  But, there are some deep deep issues in our relationship.  I have no idea why it is, or what it is all over.  I've tried talking with them, I've tried bringing a third party, and I've tried having a neutral person help mediate.  To no avail.  It doesn't matter what I say or do, it is offensive to them and they read into it, and everything is misinterpreted at best.  As I mentioned earlier, I've had several conversations with various people lately about the difficult relationships in their lives.  One common thing we all share.....conflict is a universal problem, and it hurts terribly.  
     So, what is our job as Christians in situations like this?  How do we respond?  What does it look like to have healthy boundaries with these people?   As I personally explore these subjects of conflict, forgiveness, and boundaries I hope to share what I am learning.  I want to hear from you too!  What are your thoughts on this subject?  What has been your personal experience in this realm?  You can either leave a comment in the comment box for me, or write me a private e-mail to  juliedennis@hotmail.com.
     








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I've Been Rendered Speechless!
Jewels
    I was just meandering through some of my favorite blogs, and realized that it has been well over a year since I last wrote on my own blog!  April 22, 2010 was the date of my last blog entry.  WOW!  
     So.....why the silence on my part?  Rarely ever, actually I can't even think of one other time in my life, when I have been left speechless.  Have you ever just hit that spot in life when everything, yes EVERYTHING, that is familiar and "normal" in your world no longer makes sense?  That point when you reevaluate everything you are doing, and everything you've already done?  Maybe it was my own personal mid-life crisis or something, but I hit that spot in my life last year in May at my 35th birthday, and it left me speechless.  Many times sat down and tried to blog, but nothing came out.  I was void of words, thoughts, or feelings.
     I think several things contributed to this fun little time in my life.  I was dealing with undiagnosed postpartum depression from the birth of my daughter Maggie in 2009.  I also had an undiagnosed thyroid condition, Hypothyroidism.  My thyroid numbers were actually REALLY messed up.....another fun after effect of my last pregnancy.  Between the two of these health issues I was discouraged as a parent, as a homeschooling mom, as a wife, and as a member of the human race in general.  Thankfully, God had me ask my Doctor the right questions, and we were able to diagnose and treat these two conditions. 
      In the meanwhile though, satan used this opportunity in my life to deceive and blind me to the truth of God's love and plan for my life.  Every area of my life and every relationship in my life was confusing and exhausting.  I now see God's hand holding my through that time in my life, and carrying me through it.  I see how God put me in the right path of the people that could help me.  I finally went to Christian Counseling and worked through unresolved issues from my childhood that have directly effected my life as an adult.  My husband graciously agreed to go to counseling as well and work on our ministry hurts, and our marriage problems.  We finally are experiencing the joy of working together as a team, of truly having a wonderful relationship, of seeing peace and love in our home, and actually loving ministry.  It is amazing how the things we are too proud to deal with, too embarrassed to deal with, or too scared of to deal with really hinder you from living life to it's fullest.  
     It has not been an easy journey to say the least.  It hurts to deal with ourselves, and to face those secret thoughts and hurts.  It isn't easy when you have to establish boundaries with people and re- evaluate all of your relationships.  It isn't easy, at least for me, to recognize that NO....I do not have it all together.  I've never been good at letting other's see me as vulnerable.  Yet, I had to find childcare for all of my children for those days of counseling.  I HAD to tell a select few what was going on, and accept their help and love, so that I could keep pursuing my path to wholeness.  
     So, I tell you all this, just to say.......I am flawed and imperfect.  I have many imperfections, and areas I am working on.  If you are reading this, and relate to some...or all...of what I am talking about, I encourage you to take that time for YOU.  Take the time to pursue wholeness, healing, and health.  It is so worth it to experience the freedom from carrying that junk around, the self doubt, and the hurt it causes your relationships.  It's okay to admit you don't have it all together.  It's okay to be vulnerable and ask for help.  
     I went to counseling every other week for 9 months.  Last week I went to my scheduled appointment, and my counselor basically told me, she thinks I'm ready to fly now and don't need her anymore.  I agree with her.  I am still working through learned behavior and thought patterns that I established as a cover up and self defense mechanisms, but I'm doing it...and that is what is important.  
     I am apprehensively excited about what the future holds.  I know it is going to make me a better mom, a better wife, friend, neighbor, pastor's wife, aunt, daughter, etc.  I pray that my experiences and my journey can bring glory to God.  God doesn't waste our hurts or our tears.  It matters to Him, and He can use it!

On a MUCH lighter note:  We are expecting our fifth baby in early November!  This baby was completely unplanned and unexpected, but is completely wanted and loved!  Their are many excited children in this house that are eagerly anticipating the ultrasound in June to tell us if this is a boy or a girl!
     
  
     
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Toll House Pie
Jewels

Just playing a little catch up.  I've busy, and gone for awhile so I'm just catching up on my formspring answers.


Q:  Do you, by chance have a delicious recipe for a pie that tastes like a chocolate chip cookie? ;) Will you share it with us?

A.  I make this recipe A LOT because I have yet to meet anybody that doesn't like it! (Plus it's super easy!)  
Toll House Pie

  • 1 unbaked 9-inch (4-cup volume) deep-dish pie shell *
  • 2 large eggs
  • 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
  • 3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) butter, softened
  • 1 cup (6 oz.) Chocolate Chips
  • 1 cup chopped nuts (optional)
  • Sweetened whipped cream or ice cream (optional)

Directions
PREHEAT oven to 325° F. 

BEAT eggs in large mixer bowl on high speed until foamy. Beat in flour, granulated sugar and brown sugar. Beat in butter. Stir in morsels and nuts. Spoon into pie shell. 

BAKE for 55 to 60 minutes or until knife inserted halfway between edge and center comes out clean. Cool on wire rack. Serve warm with whipped cream or ice cream, if desired.
I personally leave the nuts out, and there ya go!  An instant hit with everybody you serve it too!


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Ministry Best and Worst
Jewels
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."- Charles Dickens
This phrase sums up our Ministry life this week...a roller-coaster of emotions.

Our week started out with the visit of our friends Steve and Kari Jo, and the 3
darling little boys.  This couple were college kids that attended the second church
that we ministered in.  They were the first couple Ryan ever performed a wedding for,
and Kari Jo was the first girl I ever mentored.  Now, 8 years later, they have completed
medical school and residency and are leaving in December to go the Nigeria, Africa
to do full-time medical Missions.  It was so amazing to see people that we 
had invested in and ministered to that are actually making a positive impact on
this world for eternity.  They are taking their relationship with Christ seriously, and
doing something with it.  What an encouragement they were to us.  That kind
of life change is what keeps us going in ministry.  It reminds us that all the
stress and the sacrifices we make actually are worth it!

Kari Jo, Steve, Ryan, and I 

We ended the week with some not-so encouraging situations.  It
always amazes me how people talk to and about the pastor and his family...
as if we aren't human and don't have feelings, and as if we are supposed 
to be perfect.  Just really hurtful things I would never dream of saying, or 
accusing people of.  I know that their problem isn't with us, it is actually
a problem that they have with the Lord.  We just happen to be 
representing Him, so we get the brunt of their anger...but it still hurts.
I still wonder sometimes why in the world God had ME be a pastor's wife.
I hear and experience things like this and just want to punch the person
involved, and tell him/her off.  That doesn't seem very pastor's wife-ish to me.
No, I never actually do what my feelings tell me to do, but it is still so hard
to continue to serve, love, sacrifice for, forgive, be nice, and be gracious to
the people that do these kind of things.  It makes me think about how my 
actions, thoughts, feelings, and words must grieve the Lord sometimes.
Yet He is still merciful, kind, forgiving, and loving to me.
I don't know how, but somehow me being a pastor's wife fits into God's plan.
Yes me...
all of my quirks
all of my problems
all of my insecurities
all of my past
all of my future
all of my failures
all of my strengths.

ME...
an opinionated, strong, stubborn, vocal, 
 jeans wearing to church,
tomboy with a past
 that was redeemed by my Saviour!
God has chosen me for this job
and he will equip me to do it!

There.......I feel better.  That was my pep-talk with myself to keep going.
Keep going for the Steve's and the Kari Jo's that will cross our path.

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I am such a loser mom sometimes!
Jewels

     I mentioned a few days ago about how sick my kids have been.  The three older kids are feeling better now, but Maggie has picked up an ear and sinus infection....thus I've had no sleep for about a week now.  I am just dragging today, and trying to just make it until bedtime.  A couple hilarious things happened today though that are just too funny to not tell you about.  Both incidences are completely due to my oversight due to the fact I'm so tired.  
     We spent the morning running errands, and I got home around 12:15, lunchtime and nap time.  The kids were all having meltdowns, so I was wracking my brain for what we could have for lunch that was quick and easy.  I opened the fridge, and whala!  There were 3 sloppy joe's left over from 2 nights ago...perfect!  So, I warmed them up in the microwave, put them on plates and had the kids come and sit down to eat.  I had an urgent e-mail I needed to send really quick, so I figured while they are occupied with eating lunch, I'll just shoot that e-mail out.  As I'm typing my e-mail, I'm overhearing the kids conversation from the dining room.  It went something like this:

Luke:  "Molly, are we poor?"

Molly:  "I guess we are!  However, we still need to eat this and be grateful for it because some kids in the world don't even have this to eat!  Plus, we don't want mom to feel bad that we are poor."

Luke:  "I guess so...I've never even heard of a bread sandwich before though."

     By this point, I was just really curious as to what the problem was...we just had sloppy joe's the other night, and they didn't seem to mind them then...so what's the big deal now?  I went and did some investigating, and low and behold...only Joseph's sandwich actually had sloppy joe meat in it.  Molly and Luke were just given the hamburger bun part, without any meat!  Whoever put the leftovers away that night had just put it all together apparently.  Bless their little hearts though, here I had warmed up a bun and given it to them, and they actually had already eaten half of it...because they didn't want to be ungrateful.  I gave them huge hugs, and we all giggled about that for about 20 minutes.  
     Well, we finished up lunch (yes, I did give them real food after that!) and they all went down for nap/rest time.  I told them that they could get their bikes out after rest time, and play outside in the sun.  The rule here is that it has to be over 60 degrees to go outside without your coat on.  When the kids woke up from their naps, they looked at the thermostat, and saw that it was 64 degrees.  In their minds...that must mean summer is here!  I was downstairs in the basement sorting laundry and never even heard them get up, and didn't realize what they were going to do next.  I came upstairs, looked out the window to see if the mailman had come yet, and what do I see?  My three oldest children in their bathing suits....barefoot....running up and down the sidewalk!  They are poking sticks in the leftover snowbanks and having the time of their lives!  It is March in Michigan now mind you!  I was horrified!  I'm sure the neighbors think we are all crazy now.  AHHH!  I feel like such a loser mom sometimes!  
I really need some sleep tonight so I can handle whatever parenting brings my way tomorrow!
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